Misadventures at Hogwarts
by MysticGuava
Summary: Naruto/Harry Potter xover. Itachi and Kisame are off to Hogwarts in an attempt to capture the Kyuubi while he is far from Konoha's aid. Unfortunately things don't quite go as planned when Orochimaru pops up and Voldemort tries to get Itachi to join him.
1. Chocolate Cravings

A/N: Well, since there are some people that want me to continue this and I already had some of it written up, I figured why not? I've also decided to read all seven harry potter books again this summer and am therefore in a very naruto/harry potter crossovery mood lately. I should really be studying for finals right now, but I hate math and while biology itself is interesting, studying for it is not. So, here you people go. The first part of it is the one shot I posted called Sleep Deprivation.

* * *

Kisame chanced a brief glance towards his obviously irate partner. They had been traveling for five days with two breaks to get an hour of sleep each and some chocolate for Itachi. Needless to say, both shinobi were very tired, very hungry, and very ready to kill the next thing that crossed their path.

It had all started when Leader had gotten word that the Kyuubi vessel was being sent on a long-term mission to some school called Hogwarts in some place called England. The Kyuubi being Itachi's target, Kisame and his partner had been the ones to have the misfortune of getting sent to this England place to retrieve him.

"Kisame." The shark-like man turned to his younger and shorter partner. Itachi was frowning and staring at an empty wrapper.

"What is it, Itachi-san?" he asked, already knowing. Itachi didn't take his eyes off the wrapper. The Uchiha suddenly stopped and turned to Kisame, holding the wrapper up and looking positively pitiful.

"It's gone." Kisame felt a head ache coming on. Honestly, was he Itachi's partner or his baby sitter? He swore that sometimes he couldn't tell. Over the past few years Kisame had discovered that when Itachi got very little sleep, he craved chocolate. When he ate chocolate, the infamous murderer had a tendency to act very childish, especially when he ran out of chocolate. Five days of getting no more than two hours of sleep definitely counted as very little sleep.

"What do you want me to do about it?" Kisame finally asked, taking the empty wrapper. Itachi shrugged.

"I don't know. I just felt that you needed to know that I was out of chocolate...got anymore?" Kisame actually walked over to a tree and banged his head against it. If only the Uchiha clan could see their prodigy now. If only Itachi's little brother could see his big brother. That would be funny. Sasuke probably had no idea that his brother craved chocolate when he was sleep deprived. He finally turned back to his younger partner.

"I think you've had enough chocolate for now," Kisame said. And then he nearly died from shock. Itachi was _pouting_. The Uchiha Itachi, infamous S-class missing nin and murderer of his own clan, was _pouting _like a little child.

"But...but I want some more!" Kisame's jaw dropped. What the hell? The shark-like man quickly regained his composer and scowled at the twenty-one-year-old.

"What are you, five?" he snapped. Itachi glared.

"I want chocolate now!" Kisame twitched. Really, what had Leader been thinking? How did he expect them to make it to this Hogwarts place in five days or less and retain their sanity? Honestly.

"You can't have more chocolate!"

"I WANT MORE CHOCOLATE!"

SMACK

Itachi blinked. He slowly lifted a hand up and touched the spot on his cheek where Kisame had smacked him. He then slowly turned his gaze towards his partner.

"Thanks," he muttered. "I think I needed that." Kisame slowly relaxed from the defensive position he'd jumped into. Itachi, in a slight daze, started walking again in the direction they'd been traveling before. Kisame counted to ten then followed. This was going to be a long year.

- - - - - - - - - -

Snape didn't like their new History of Magic professor. The man was creepier than himself, which was saying something as he had been told on many occasions that he was quite a creepy character. The blue guy beside the new professor was also pretty creepy. After all, you didn't meet many people who naturally had blue skin and gills on their cheeks. The black cloaks and red clouds were also rather intimidating.

The nervous professor glanced over at Dumbledore, who had been spending the last few minutes simply surveying the two men before them. The headmaster had been ecstatic when he had first learned that he would not have to fruitlessly search for a new professor after Binn's unexpected retirement, however, now that the new professor and his friend were here, he was beginning to rethink his decision.

McGonagall, meanwhile, was trying very hard to keep her fear as well hidden as possible. It had been bad enough meeting those two guards over the summer. These two gave off the same kind of aura, only scarier.

"Dumbledore." Every pair of eyes in the room landed on her. McGonagall gulped. "Um...are you sure these two are...qualified for this…kind…of…job…?" She trailed off weakly when a pair of coal black eyes fixed her with a chilling gaze. Perhaps she should have kept that to herself until the new professor and his friend had left.

"My dear Minerva, I'm absolutely positive that these two are perfectly capable of teaching the students," Dumbledore replied cheerfully.

"They remind me of those two guards you hired," Snape muttered. This seemed to catch the shorter of the two stranger's attention.

"Guards?" he asked amusement flashing through his dark eyes. Dumbledore turned back to his two guests.

"Yes. Due to recent events it has been requested that security be increased here so I hired two shinobi from another land to help out." Itachi felt like cackling evilly (the chocolate was still affecting him), but restrained himself due to the fact that he might lose the job before he'd even started and Leader would most definitely not be pleased it that were to happen.

His right hand twitched slightly. He had the sudden urge to go kill a small harmless animal. Hm…perhaps he should tell Kisame to never let him near chocolate again. It seemed to make him more psychotic than usual.

"May we meet them?" the Uchiha asked, forcing himself to smile rather than smirk maliciously. It was painful. Kisame gave him a small look out of the corner of his eye. Itachi glanced back, an evil glint in his eyes.. Kisame sighed. He had a bad feeling about all of this.

"I don't see why not," Dumbledore said with a shrug. "I believe they might be joining us for dinner tonight in the Great Hall." Itachi nodded.

"If you'll excuse us, we'd like to get settled in. And don't worry, we'll find the way down ourselves later on. No need to send anyone to fetch us." Itachi turned and walked swiftly out the door, Kisame right behind him.

Back in the room McGonagall collapsed against Dumbledore's desk and Snape tried desperately to regain his composure.

This year would sure be...interesting.

- - - - - - - - - -

He had a bad feeling about something. What he didn't know. All he knew was that over the years he had learned to trust his instincts. They almost never let him down. He brushed his sopping raven bangs out of his face. It had started pouring only a few minutes ago and he was already soaked.

"Hey, Sasuke-teme! Come check this out!" Sasuke leaped out of the tree he'd been standing in and landed beside Naruto. The blond was squatting in front of a huge black...thing, staring at it. Sasuke crouched down beside his friend and frowned in confusion. It looked like...a spider.

"What do you think it is?" Naruto asked, reaching out and poking it with a kunai. Sasuke also pulled out a kunai and started poking it.

"It looks like...a spider." Sasuke stood up and stepped back a ways. He tilted his head to the side and stared hard at the black thing. Hm...Eight legs and lots of eyes. Yep, it was a spider all right. Naruto was suddenly standing beside him.

"I think you're right, teme," the blond commented. There was silence for a while as they both stared in fascination. Then, "That's one big spider." The Uchiha silently agreed. The thing was as big as Sasuke. Suddenly, Naruto's stomach growled. The raven-haired shinobi sighed.

"Let's go, dobe. We can come back tomorrow."

"Yay! Food!" Within seconds Sasuke had already lost sight of Naruto, who had dashed ahead at the thought of going back for dinner. The raven shook his head, a small smile on his lips.

- - - - - - - - - -

Itachi had to try very hard to keep himself from falling out of his chair and laughing his ass off at the look on Sasuke's face when he walked into the Great Hall and saw him. The look of pure horror mixed with homicidal rage was extremely comical. Naruto didn't seem to notice anything was wrong until he realized that Sasuke was no longer walking beside him. The blond glanced back then followed Sasuke's gaze to where Itachi and Kisame were sitting. Naruto, without thinking, pointed at Itachi and shouted, "YOU!"

Itachi snorted in amusement (after making sure no one was looking of course) as Sasuke whacked Naruto over the head for his stupidity. Kisame was chuckling beside him. All the other teachers at the staff table had gone silent and were staring at the two guards, who were now arguing in their native tongue. Itachi was able to pick out a few choice words he knew his mother would have punished Sasuke severely for using. Finally, the two managed to get to their seats at the staff table and start eating. Lucky for the two younger shinobi (note the sarcasm), the only remaining available seats were next to Itachi and Kisame. Thus the seating order went like this: Naruto, Sasuke, Itachi, and then Kisame.

Dumbledore, noticing the sudden tension, walked down to their seats and observed the situation. The raven-haired guard, Sasuke if he remembered correctly, was alternating between glaring at his partner and glaring at the new professor. Said professor was ignoring his young look-a-like in favor of calmly eating his meal, a small smirk gracing his lips. The other guard, Naruto he recalled, was glancing nervously at the new professor and the new professor's friend. The new professor's friend himself looked to be on the verge of bursting with barely contained laughter. At last, the headmaster spoke.

"Do you guys know each other?" Kisame almost choked on the piece of chicken he'd been eating. Itachi's smirk widened. Sasuke and Naruto exchanged a glance.

"Oh yes, quite well in fact," the elder Uchiha answered. Dumbledore smiled uncertainly.

"Well, that makes introductions much easier." Dumbledore returned to his seat, praying that he'd still have his History of Magic teacher in the morning, though if he'd known anything about the current situation between the four shinobi he'd have been much more concerned for the young guards. The rest of dinner was spent in tense silence until...

"Sasuke?" Sasuke blinked at being addressed so casually by his older brother. Normally when they met he was labeled as foolish little brother then lectured on how his hate was not strong enough and all that.

"What," he snapped, eyeing his elder sibling warily. Itachi stared at him for a long extremely tense moment of extremely thick silence.

"Do you have any chocolate?" Sasuke choked on the glass of pumpkin juice he'd been drinking. His head snapped over to Itachi, who had a desperate look in his eyes. Memories of his childhood concerning just what happened when Itachi got a hold of chocolate, especially when he was as tired as he looked now, flashed through his mind. He glared.

"No!" Itachi sighed in disappointment. He really wanted some more chocolate.

* * *

A/N: Well, hope you liked it. Sorry if there were any mistakes. I didn't feel like rereading this thing a million times to make sure things were percfect. If you happened to catch something I'd appreciate it if you'd mention it in your review so that I can fix it.

Also, I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen in this fic, so don't expect speedy updates.

Please R&R!!


	2. Dinner With Umbridge

A/N: Well, after after ages and ages of procrastination here is the second chapter of my fic. I feel a little guilty, becuase I've actually had this finiashed for a while now sweatdrop but I was too lazy to edit it. Anyway, I hope you guys like it.

* * *

Harry sat idly on the Hogwarts express, trying to suppress the feeling that something was going to go horribly wrong this year

Harry sat idly on the Hogwarts express, trying to suppress the feeling that something was going to go horribly wrong this year. It wasn't like something terrible happening was anything new. Hell, something terrible happened every year! But this time, Harry didn't think the something terrible would be quite the same as it was before.

"Harry? Harry, I'm talking to you!" Harry looked over at Ron.

"What is it Ron?" The read-head held out a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.

"I've been trying to ask you if you want one." Harry stared at the box for a few seconds before turning towards the window.

"No thanks." Ron shrugged.

"Suit yourself." He popped a bean into his mouth. "Mmm...Apple." Hermione chose that moment to come back in, fully dressed in her Hogwarts robes, as they were almost there.

"I wonder who our new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor will be this year?" she mused aloud, plopping down next to Ron. Harry shrugged while Ron continued to eat the Every Flavor Beans. Hermione huffed at being ignored in such a way. She decided to try again.

"I heard Professor Binn's finally retired." Harry and Ron both whipped their heads around to stare at her in shock.

"Binn's retired?!" they both exclaimed. Hermione, quite pleased that she now had their attention, smirked and nodded. There was a long silence while the two boys slowly got over the shock of learning that their ghostly teacher had actually retired. Then a thought struck Harry.

"But then…who's going to teach History of Magic?" Ron nearly dropped his box of Every Flavor Beans.

"Yeah!" he cried. "Not that I like that class or anything, but who's Dumbledore going to get to teach a subject like that?" Hermione shrugged then once again changed the subject to another interesting little tidbit she'd learned over the summer.

"I also heard that we're having two transfer students from another country." Harry's and Ron's jaws both hit the floor. After a moment Harry managed to regain his senses; Ron was still gaping.

"Transfer students?" He asked. Hermione nodded. "From another country?" Hermione nodded again. "Wow…How do you know all this?" Hermione's eyes glinted mischievously.

"I get around." Harry gave her a bewildered look.

"So not only has Binn's finally retired, but we're also getting a couple of wizards from another country." Harry ran a hand through his hair. "Won't this year be fun." Hermione shrugged. Ron (after finally picking his jaw up off the ground) absently picked out a bean and popped it in his mouth. Seconds later, he made a grotesque face.

"EW! POOP FLAVORED!"

* * *

Itachi looked out over the Great Hall, eyes taking in the multitude of students chatting to their friends while more still poured in through the giant entrance. He twitched as some girl let out a high pitched squeal, memories of being chased through Konoha's streets by fangirls becoming foremost in his mind. Unlike the previous meals before this Itachi was bored out of his mind. Normally he would be poking fun at Sasuke right now by bringing up some horribly embarrassing childhood memory that would make Sasuke turn bright red and stab his meat with a little more ferocity than was necessary. Unfortunately his little brother and the Kyuubi vessel would not be joining him at the staff table as tonight they would take their places as students in order to blend in. There was however, a new addition to the staff table; one that Itachi would like very much to roast with a powerful Katon technique.

Dolores Jane Umbridge, the brand new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher pissed Itachi off like no other, not even Orochimaru. Her toad-like appearance didn't do much for her first impression either nor did her high-pitched, breathy, little-girl voice which always made Itachi feel like she was talking to him as if he were five. His stomach churned uncomfortably and he grimaced when she noticed his blatant glaring and gave him a sweet smile in return. Next to him Kisame whispered that it probably wasn't a good idea to kill a ministry official, as that would just cause needless trouble which would make Pein unhappy, something Kisame never ever wanted to witness again. Itachi, quite personally, thought it would be entirely worth it just to rid the planet of that fowl creature.

"You don't seem to like me very much Professor Uchiha." Itachi cringed when Umbridge's voice came from directly behind him. He wondered how she had gotten back there without him noticing, especially when he was glaring directly at her. Then again, he had been pretty distracted with his homicidal thoughts. "Did I do something to offend you?" The elder Uchiha refused to turn around and look at the sickeningly sweet smile he knew was there. Beside him Kisame began wishing that he had his Samehade with him, as it was his best bet for stopping Itachi from going on a homicidal rampage.

"You're mere presence makes me want to kill furry little bunnies," Itachi finally replied. Behind him Umbridge frowned. She was about to make a remark about how rude of a comment that was, but just then the last students took their seats, signaling that the sorting would start soon. She returned to her own chair.

* * *

Down at the Gryffindor table Harry was not in a very good mood. If Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown thought he didn't know they had been talking about him a few seconds ago than they were dead wrong. He also had failed to spot Hagrid up at the teacher's table, instead finding that Grubbly-Plank woman as well as two strangers and…

"It's that Umbridge woman!" Hermione gave him an odd look.

"Who?" Harry pointed up to where Professor Umbridge was sitting. She was wearing a particularly ugly pink cardigan that made all who saw it (especially Itachi) want to gag.

"She was at my hearing, she works for Fudge!"

"Nice cardigan," said Ron, smirking, though his comment went unheard by his two friends.

"She works for Fudge?" Hermione repeated, frowning. "Well then what on earth is she doing here?" Her eyes scanned the staff table.

"It seems there're two possibilities," she said grimly. "Defense Against the Dar Arts or History of Magic." Harry and Ron groaned.

"But, wait," Ron said, "who's teaching which ever one she's not?" Hermione's attitude changed drastically.

"I hope it's that hot brunet guy right there!" she exclaimed. The two boys followed her gaze. It was obvious she was referring to the two strangers and of those in particular, the long haired raven male who was openly glaring at Umbridge. Ron huffed angrily.

"I don't see what's so special about him," he muttered bitterly. Hermione rolled her eyes. At that moment McGonagall came in with the Sorting Hat, the first years plus two older boys at the very end of the line trailing behind her. Harry guessed that they were the transfer students Hermione had mentioned.

* * *

Sasuke looked up from the long precession of students and happened to catch Itachi's eye. The elder Uchiha smirked and waved slightly, bringing a scowl to Sasuke's face. Naruto was too busy staring stupidly at the enchanted ceiling while somehow not tripping to notice.

After the Sorting Hat had finished its song, which had been a little different from previous years, as Harry, Ron, and Hermione noted, the sorting began and the first students name was called. Naruto bounced on his feet, excited about getting to attend a wizarding school, even if it was for a mission. Beside him Sasuke rolled his eyes at his partner's childishness.

Finally all the first years had been finished and the two shinobi were the only one's left. Every eye in the Great Hall was trained on them and whispers filled the hall. Dumbledore stood and called for silence.

"As you can see, this year we will be welcoming two transfer students from Japan. I ask that you please welcome these two with open arms and show them a good time at Hogwarts this year. Their school back home is a bit different from ours and they haven't been learning the same things as you have so I also ask that you be patient with them as they settle in." Dumbledore sat down again and nodded to McGonagall. She held up the scroll of names and called out, "Uchiha, Sasuke." Sasuke stepped forward, carefully avoiding Itachi's eyes, and sat down on the stool, allowing the Sorting Hat to be placed on his head.

The crowd waited with baited breath as Sasuke sat, and sat, and sat some more. Harry glanced down at his watch and saw that it was approaching five minutes. Never before had he seen a sorting take this long. He looked at Sasuke suspiciously. The boy's face was blank and emotionless, giving nothing away in regards as to what was going on in his mind at that moment.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

Everybody in the hall (except the ninja of course…and Dumbledore) jumped when the Hat suddenly called out the house name. Gradually the Gryffindors came out of their shock and began clapping and cheering, glad that at least one of the new transfer students was in their house. The other tables, Slytherin in particular, looked jealous.

Naruto let out a relieved sigh at the end of the long five minutes. Judging from the sorting of the first years and the murmurs of the older students it wasn't supposed to take that long. His relief didn't last for long thought as McGonagall once again looked down at the scroll and read off his name.

"Uzumaki, Naruto."

Naruto approached the Hat hesitantly. Like Sasuke, he avoided looking up at the teacher's table, specifically, at the two missing nins currently sitting there. He sat down gingerly on the edge of the stool and carefully placed the hat onto his head, biting his lip nervously. He cleared his mind of all thoughts of ramen, trying to make himself seem as intelligent as possible. Most of all though, he prayed that he would get into the same house as Sasuke. He didn't fancy trying to fend of Itachi and Kisame by himself if they decided to try and kidnap him in his sleep.

The crowd once again held their breath as the second foreign boy sat the Sorting Hat on his head. Time passed and the tension in the hall grew. Five minutes passed. Then fifteen. The students began whispering to each other, some discussing the unusual sortings, others complaining about hunger, and still others (girls mostly) were discussing the

mysterious dark-haired stranger at the teacher's table who was currently nodding off against the much less attractive blue-haired stranger.

Finally an entire half hour passed. McGonagall was debating whether or not to approach the blond foreigner and many of the students were wondering if the Sorting Hat could die or not. Just as McGonagall decided to step closer, the rip at the brim of the hat opened.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

Up at the teacher's table, Itachi jumped awake, banging his knee against the table as he did so. He let out a few choice words that were drowned out due to the sudden uproar from the Gryffindor table. Naruto quickly moved to sit down next to Sasuke and, to the cheers of the hungry students, the feast finally commenced.

During Naruto's excruciatingly long sorting, Sasuke had decided it would be best to use the time during the feast to get to know Harry Potter and his two friends. He was about to nudge Naruto and communicate to him his thoughts, but when he turned to the blond, he was already introducing himself to Harry's red-headed friend.

"Hi I'm Naruto Uzumaki!" The red-head shook Naruto's hand.

"Ron Weasley. These are my friends Harry Potter and Hermione Granger." Harry and Hermione said hi. Naruto grinned at them, then gestured to Sasuke.

"This is my friend Sasuke Uchiha." Sasuke grunted. "You'll have to excuse him, he hates people." Underneath the table Sasuke kicked his blond partner's shin. Naruto sent him a glare that had absolutely no effect whatsoever on the younger Uchiha brother, who could set entire forests on fire and level cities with his glare. Sasuke simply smirked at him. Naruto muttered a couple of insults under his breath and decided to ignore the other teen in favor of striking up a conversation with Ron.

* * *

When the students had finished eating and were patting their stomachs and rubbing their eyes sleepily, Dumbledore stood to give announcements. Itachi tuned him out until he came to the part about staff changes.

"We have had three changes in staffing this year," the old wizard boomed. "We are very pleased to welcome back Professor Grubbly-Plank, who will be taking Care of Magical Creatures lessons. We are also delighted to introduce Professor Umbridge, our new Defense Against the Dar Arts teacher. And finally, after many long years of teaching Professor Binns has finally made the decision to retire. He will be replaced by Professor Uchiha, who has graciously traveled all the way from Japan with his friend in order to accept the position."

Many of the females in the great hall squealed when they found out the handsome dark-haired stranger was to be their professor. Sasuke and Naruto exchanged terrified looks. Harry, Ron, and Hermione meanwhile exchanged looks of Panic; Dumbledore had not said for how long Grubbly-Plank would be teaching. (Though Hermione was secretly celebrating the fact that the extremely hot dark-haired stranger was indeed going to be teaching.)

"Tryouts for the House Quidditch teams will take place on the –"

Sasuke blinked when Dumbledore abruptly cut himself off and turned towards Professor Umbridge. Seeing as she wasn't very tall the young shinobi hadn't noticed at first when she'd stood, however the annoying little, "_Hem, hem_," she kept uttering clued him in. Then Dumbledore sat down and gave Umbridge his full attention. Out of the corner of his eyes Sasuke saw his brother grimace as though he had just swallowed something particularly nasty.

"Thank you, Headmaster," Professor Umbridge simpered, "for those kind words of welcome." And so the torture began.

Itachi felt like puking again…all over that stupid pink cardigan. Seriously, that abomination along with Umbridge's voice made him sick to his stomach. He idly toyed with his knife, telling himself over and over again that throwing it at Umbridge now while she was the center of attention would most likely get him fired. He thought briefly of the wand he'd been forced to acquire and wondered if there was a spell that would make Umbridge croak like the amphibian she looked so much like. He ignored the warning looks his partner was sending him when a slightly homicidal grin spread over his face.

His eyes scanned the Great Hall for what must have been the millionth time, stopping on Sasuke and Naruto, that latter of which whom couldn't seem to keep his attention on Umbridge for more than a few seconds at a time. He noted that none of the other students, except for that bushy haired brunette at the Gryffindor table and Sasuke, were paying attention and were instead whispering to their neighbors. He felt slightly sympathetic for them. After all, at that moment he was suffering through the same torture.

Next Itachi observed the teachers. All of them, except perhaps Dumbledore, looked as pissed off with Umbridge as he felt.

"…because some changes will be for the better, while others will come, in the fullness of time, to be recognized as errors of judgment. Meanwhile, some old habits will be retained…"

Sasuke was finding it very hard to keep listening to the toad woman's speech. Naruto had already laid his head down on the table and practically gone to sleep. The stupid, half-asleep look on his face would have been entertaining if Sasuke hadn't been putting all his effort into stopping himself from doing the same. How could that Hermione girl do it? She just sat there and listened as if it was the single most interesting thing in the world. Maybe her eyes were taped open with invisible tape…

The sudden sound of brief, scattered applause snapped Sasuke out of his slight daze. He blinked and looked up at the staff table. Many of the teacher's, especially his brother, looked relieved that she had finally shut up and sat down. The students who'd been caught unaware jerked back to life, but before they could applaud, Dumbledore had stood to finish off the announcements.

_Smack_

Naruto's head flew up eyes wide and knife held in a death grip. The students around them looked at him strangely and Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Over here, usurontankachi." Naruto blinked a few times, then slowly turned his head to face his team mate.

"Sasuke…?" Realization dawned on Naruto's face after a moment. The blond's confused, dazed expression slowly turned into glare. "What was that for teme?" Sasuke shrugged.

"The toad stopped croaking." Naruto blinked again and looked up at the table. Indeed Professor Umbridge was once again seated and it was Dumbledore who was talking now.

"…Oh."

"Yeah, looks like that frog lady is going to cause some trouble for us this year." Naruto frowned now.

"How so?" Sasuke sighed.

"Did you listen to a single thing she said, dobe?" Naruto shook his head.

"It was all just boring gibberish." Sasuke smacked Naruto over the head again.

"Idiot," he muttered. "From what she was saying it sounds like these ministry people will be trying to interfere at this school. Like I said, looks like the frog lady is going to cause trouble."

"And your brother won't?" Sasuke looked up at the staff table. Itachi was idly toying with his knife while eyeing Umbridge in a way that told Sasuke his brother would very much like to skewer the woman with it, but knew he couldn't. It was the same look the older Uchiha had used to give his fangirls.

"We'll figure something out," he muttered. Just then Dumbledore dismissed the students and everybody stood. Not knowing where the Gryffindors were staying Sasuke and Naruto trailed along after Harry. The two shinobi noted that many of the students were pointing at Harry and whispering some rather interesting things about the wizard. They took special note of this, exchanging a pointed glance as they did so. This mission was going to be very difficult.

* * *

A/N: Again, I hope you liked it. If you saw any mistakes I'd appreciate it if you'd let me know. I edit all my own stuff and sometimes it's hard to catch your own mistakes.

Please review!


	3. If You Were Gay

A/N: CHAPTER 3 HAS ARRIVED!!!!!!!!!!! sorry for the long wait. i'll try and be better about that. no guarantees though. enjoy.

* * *

Chapter 3

Sasuke was already seated in one of the plush chairs by the fire when Seamus came down and flew out the portrait hole. He rolled his eyes, thinking the whole thing stupid and childish. But his thoughts didn't remain on Seamus for long. Sasuke had much more important things to worry about.

Itachi's appearance was unexpected and quite worrisome. Sasuke had no doubt in his mind that his older brother was there to collect Naruto while Konoha was far away, but…did he have to be a _teacher_ too? The raven-haired teen was not keen on sitting through an entire class listening to his brother talk. Could Itachi even talk for that long? From what Sasuke could remember his brother wasn't the most talkative person.

"Teme!"

A blond blur flew down the stairs and attached itself to Sasuke and his chair. The Uchiha twitched.

"Naruto, you have to the count of three to get off of me before I murder you."

"Aw come on Sasuke!" Naruto chirped. "Have a heart!"

"One." With a sigh Naruto slid down onto the floor where he proceeded to cross his arms and pout. Sasuke rolled his eyes at his partner's childish behavior.

"They are the limit."

Both ninja looked over at their charge and his two friends. Hermione was glaring reproachfully at a large sign. It was entitled, Gallons of Galleons!

"We'll have to talk to them, Ron," Hermione was saying. The redhead looked alarmed.

"Why?" he said. The three began to climb out of the portrait hole. Sasuke and Naruto quickly followed. They hung back far enough not to be noticed but close enough to listen in. As they entered the great hall Sasuke noted that many students stared or out right glared at Harry. It made him scoff. Stupid ignorant little children.

"Hey guys!" Naruto shouted, plopping down beside Harry.

"Hey!" Ron replied cheerfully around a mouthful of food. Sasuke gave a small 'hn' and sat down beside Naruto.

"Hey Sasuke," Hermione said, gaining the dark-haired shinobi's attention. He raised an eyebrow. Hermione glanced up at the teacher's table. "Are you by any chance related to professor Uchiha?" Naruto choked on his food and Sasuke's eyes narrowed into a fierce glare. Ron looked like he was trying to snap his fork in half. Harry simply rolled his eyes.

"Unfortunately," Sasuke ground out after a few moments of trying to control his temper. His eyes darted to where his brother had just sat down. The elder Uchiha was watching them, a smirk already firmly in place. Kisame was nowhere to be seen.

"Is he single?" Hermione asked eagerly. A few other girls sitting nearby had overheard the young witch's inquiry. They were all leaning over as far as they could, straining their ears to hear Sasuke's answer. Sasuke hesitated for a moment. Then a positively evil idea popped into his head. He smiled. Naruto scooted over a little, wary of the look on his partner's face. Up at the teacher's table Itachi's smirk was slowly slipping into a frown.

"Why, no he's not," Sasuke began in sickeningly sweet voice. Hermione and the surrounding girls looked disappointed. Ron looked triumphant. Harry didn't really care. Naruto looked confused.

"In fact," Sasuke continued, knowing his brother was eavesdropping, "You know that big blue shark guy from last night?" He could feel Itachi's murderous look. "Well, they're, you know, _together_." Their little area of the Great Hall fell silent. Sasuke almost started laughing at the stunned looks around him. His eyes moved to the teacher's table. Itachi was gripping his fork so tightly Sasuke wouldn't have been surprised if it was broken by the end of the meal. He stuck his hand behind Naruto's back and flipped Itachi the finger. The look he got promised that he would pay dearly for this.

"Wow," Hermione muttered. "Professor Uchiha is gay…Oh my god! Professor Uchiha is gay!" A bright smile slid over her face. Naruto and Sasuke nearly burst out laughing. Looks like Hermione was a closet yaoi fan. Looking around at some of the other girls they could see them wearing the same kind of blissful expression as Hermione.

When they finally received their schedules however Sasuke's smirk was quickly replaced by a look of pure horror.

"No!" he whispered dramatically. "Now way! This is not fair!" Across form him Ron groaned.

"Look at today! History of Magic, double Potions, Divination, and double Defense Against the Dark Arts…That new teacher better not be as boring as Binns was!"

"I don't think you have to worry about him being boring," Naruto said, a look of uneasiness on his face. Ron wasn't listening.

"I wish Fred and George'd hurry up and get those Skiving Snackboxes sorted…"

"Do mine ears deceive me?" Sasuke glanced up as Fred and George squeezed onto the bench beside Harry, but tuned out the conversation. His eyes moved up to the teacher's table. Itachi had already left.

"You can have a bit of Nosebleed Nougat cheap if you like." Sasuke sighed. Nosebleed Nougat…would that get him out of class with Itachi? No probably not. Nosebleeds weren't really that big of a deal for shinobi. In fact, it was rather minor compared to other injuries they usually received. Itachi would just tell him to suck it up.

"Why's it cheap," he heard Ron ask. That was a good question.

"Because you'll bleed till you shrivel up, we haven't got an antidote yet." Sasuke almost perked up when he heard that. Dying would certainly get him out of class. But that was a rather stupid thing to die for. He could imagine it now.

"_How did he die? Was it in the line of battle?" _Sakura would ask. Naruto would shake his head then, trying to hide a smile because of course the idiot would find it funny.

"_Nope!" _Sakura would look at him confused. _"He was too scared to sit through Itachi's history lesson!" _ And then Sakura would laugh too. Why were they his friends again?

The rest of breakfast passed by much to fast for Sasuke's liking. He only vaguely listened as Fred and George attempted to frighten Ron, Harry, and Hermione about O.W.L.'s, whatever those were. When the Golden Trio got up to leave Sasuke pulled Naruto away from the strange western food and followed them. They took their seats in the back where they could see the most of the classroom. Itachi wasn't there yet.

"Hey," Naruto said, "What kind of teacher do you think Itachi will be?" Sasuke thought for a moment.

"I honestly don't know dobe, but I have a bad feeling about this…" As soon as the words left Sasuke's mouth the door was shoved open so hard it slammed into the wall and ricocheted back a little. Sasuke sweated. Only Itachi would kick the door open and scare the crap out of everyone all for the sake of a dramatic entrance. The room was dead silent as the Uchiha strode over to the desk. He sat down on the polished wood surface, facing the students.

"Good morning class," he said calmly. "I am Professor Uchiha." Someone in the class gulped. "So who here hates History of Magic?" Every student in the class raised their hand. Itachi nodded.

"Good, that makes all of us." The students blinked. Sasuke narrowed his eyes suspiciously, wandering what his brother was up to. "So, instead of teaching you about all that boring stuff you're supposed to be learning how about I teach you something much more interesting?" There was some nervous nodding of the head as the class pondered what exactly their new teacher had in store for them.

"I'm going to teach you about the history of my people, which I assure you is ten times more interesting than your history because there's more blood." Some of the girls looked a little queasy at the mention of blood. Sasuke exchanged a worried look with Naruto. Hermione tentatively raised her hand.

"Yes Miss…?" Itachi said.

"Granger, sir, and I was wandering, what about our O.W.L.'s?" Itachi blinked and frowned.

"What about them?" Hermione swallowed. All eyes in the class were on her.

"Well, how are we supposed to be prepared for them if we don't study what we're supposed to?" Itachi shrugged.

"I suppose you could study that boring stuff in your free time." Ron turned to Harry with a grin.

"This guy totally makes up for that Umbridge woman," he whispered. Harry quite agreed.

- - - - - - - - - -

It was the first day of classes and up in one of the luxurious staff bedrooms sat Kisame. He twiddled his thumbs as he lay on his bed, wandering what he was going to do with himself while Itachi was off teaching. The sudden harsh sound of knuckles wrapping against the window caught his attention. Kisame frowned. They were what, twenty stories of the ground? Who the hell…? More wrapping.

"Alright, alright!" Kisame grumbled, rolling off the bed. "I'm coming! Damn wizards, knocking on my window…" He threw the large glass panes open. "What the hell do you want?" He looked over the man in front of him with a critical eye. He was freakishly pale and snake-like, sort of like Orochimaru only without the gay make up, and he was sitting on a broom that was hovering in the air. Hm…flying broom…weird.

"I am Lord Voldemort!" the snake-like man declared. Kisame frowned.

"Aren't the people that run this place, like, your greatest enemies or something?" the shark asked.

"I'm only here for a quick visit," Voldemort quipped irritably. "Now tell me, where is Itachi Uchiha?" Kisame raised an eyebrow.

"What do you want with Itachi-san?"

"I want him to help me take over the world!" Kisame gave Voldemort another critical once over.

"I don't think Itachi-san will like you," he said evenly. Voldemort frowned.

"And why not? I am a villain, he is a villain, what more is there to it?"

"Let's get something straight first. I don't think Itachi can really be considered a 'villain'." Kisame brought his hands up in exaggerated quotation mark motions. "I mean, have you read the manga lately?" Voldemort's brow furrowed in confusion.

"Manga?" he asked. Kisame nodded.

"Yeah chapter three-ninety-something or other explains everything." Kisame leaned against the doorframe. "But that's not the main reason why he won't like you."

"It isn't?" Kisame shook his head.

"See, there used to be this freaky old pedophile guy in Akatsuki who had a thing for snakes. He took an interest in Itachi and things got a little…out of hand, literally."

"How so?"

"Well, when Orochimaru made the sorry mistake of trying to seduce Itachi-san, Itachi-san kicked his ass and cut off his hand." Voldemort's eyes widened and his jaw dropped.

"Are you…are you serious?"

"Yep. It was pretty funny. Still makes me laugh when I think about it…hehehehe." Voldemort backed his broom away from the window.

"You know what, I'll come back some other time." Kisame watched Voldemort fly away with a smirk on his face. Then he closed the window and went back to lounging on the bed. Perhaps he could take a nap…

- - - - - - - - - -

"…And that's how Konoha's Fourth Hokage kicked the bucket."

Naruto's eye was twitching almost uncontrollably. How dare that bastard speak that way about his father!! If it weren't for that fact that they were supposed to be undercover he would go up there right that instance and punch Itachi in the face. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Sasuke sending him a warning glare. He rolled his eyes and slumped in his chair. Itachi glanced at a clock.

"Well, class is just about over so…" he shrugged and went to sit behind his desk. Hermione was traumatized. Ron and Harry were shocked they had actually paid attention for the entire class. "Oh, one more thing," Itachi said suddenly. "Sasuke, I'd like to see you after class." The younger Uchiha gulped nervously. This wasn't going to end well. The last five minutes of class were agonizingly slow for Sasuke. When they were finally released from class Naruto gave him an apologetic look before dashing off after Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Itachi was casually shuffling blank paper around on his desk in order to look busy. Sasuke refused to come any closer than the front row.

"Have a seat, little brother," Itachi said. Sasuke did so cautiously, half expecting to be killed by some insane, yet ingenious trap that only Itachi could think of. Itachi sighed and looked up at him.

"We have something important to discuss." Sasuke raised an eyebrow in a 'go on' sort of fashion. Itachi did. "This morning at breakfast you said some things about Kisame and myself." Sasuke tensed.

"Yeah, so?" Itachi glared at him.

"How did you know?" Sasuke nearly had a heart attack. He looked at his brother, ready to tell him to stop screwing with him, but Itachi's expression was dead serious. Sasuke's jaw dropped open.

"You're GAY?" Sasuke squeaked, unable to believe the sheer coincidence. Itachi's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Of course I'm gay. So are you little brother."

"I am not gay!"

"Suuuuuuure. You know I'm sure Naruto-kun returns your feelings."

"Shut up!" Itachi shrugged.

"Whatever." Then he stood up and slammed a fist on the desk, nearly breaking it. "HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT I'M SEEING KISAME?" Sasuke couldn't even think.

"You're what?"

* * *

A/N: CLIFFHANGER!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...its late. two am kind of late. with friends.

AFriend's/N: PENIS!! :D 3333

A/N: ...ignore the above message.

AFriend's/N: RATE. BECAUSE I SAID SO 8D Do it or i'll get ugly russians to rape and eat you :) LOVES!!

Rate.

A/N: review. please.


	4. That'd Be Okay

First and foremost, I want to thank everyone who reviewed. It's been a tough year for me and I didn't have a lot of motivation for writing. But everytime I would come on here and read all your wonderful reviews I would become really determined to make progress and I would go open up the chapter 4 document and sit there until I'd written something. When I finally got my new copy of Order of the Pheonix I went and reread reviews again and told myself "you have no excuse you lazy child! NOW WORK!" And low and behold it is here! So thank you. You reviewers are the thing that keeps me going when I feel like giving up.

On another note, my summer has been a lot busier than I thought it could possibly be. I spent the first week after school got out cleaning my abysmally messy room, followed by two weeks in Japan. Then when I got back my iPod died and my dad made a deal with me. In order to get a new one I had to go on a camping trip with him, start cooking three nights a week, and start working for my aunt, who owns a 5 acre ranch with 11 horses. Not trying to make excuses, but with everything that's going on I just haven't been able to put as much effort into making an actual plot for this as I wanted. I did start on it though. So not all is lost!

So, my issues aside, enjoy the new chapter! And pray chapter 5 will come out faster...

* * *

Chapter 4: That'd Be Okay

After History of Magic and the rather disturbing conversation with Itachi things had gone, well, not so well. Though to be honest, Sasuke wasn't all that surprised that Harry had already landed himself in detention, what with all the yelling at a Ministry official about the Dark Lord and all that. Didn't make him any less of an idiot. After that Naruto had the brilliant idea to also act like an idiot in order to also receive detention. His reasoning? What better way to keep an eye on Harry!

"Genjutsu, idiot," Sasuke had muttered.

"…Oh."

It was too late by then though. So Naruto would be accompanying Harry to his detentions with Umbridge and Sasuke would do…something. Maybe work on his bad boy image by scaring little first years?

The two classes before that disaster, Potions and Divination, had gone badly as well. It was obvious to anyone with any semblance of a brain that Snape hated Harry. And as for Trelawny, Sasuke couldn't say he blamed them for their lack of faith in her 'inner eye'. Perhaps if she were to desist in making herself look like a large-eyed bug and aired out the classroom a little she could improve her credibility. Toning it down on the dramatics might help too.

"Hey Sasuke-teme!" Naruto skipped up to Sasuke's little corner in the common room where he'd staked his claim for the evening and plopped down beside him. "What's with all the doom and gloom?" Sasuke gave his partner a glare. Naruto just blinked. Sasuke 'hned' and turned his head away. Naruto frowned in concern. "Hey Sasuke, what's wrong?" The Uchiha sighed heavily. He hesitated, but one look at Naruto's concerned face and he couldn't bring himself to ignore the blond.

"My brother's gay." Sasuke glanced at Naruto out of the corner of his eyes and was surprised to see the blond didn't look the least bit shocked.

"Dude you didn't know?" Naruto asked. Sasuke frowned now.

"What and you did?"

"Dude it's so obvious! The guy wears purple nail polish!" Sasuke's mind blanked for a second.

"What does purple nail polish have to do with anything?"

"What kind of straight guy wears _purple _nail polish!"

"Uh, the kind that…that…."

"Exactly. Anybody that wears nail polish is at least a little bit gay. In Itachi's case, more than just a little bit. A lot more."

Sasuke huffed and crossed his arms and no, he was _not_ pouting! He was simply contemplating the events that had lead to not only discovering that Itachi was gay but being accused of it himself. He watched as Hermione went over to Fred and George and yelled at them for testing their—what had Harry called them? Fainting Fancies?—on first years and goddammit he was not gay! Itachi was just trying to mess with him! He was not gay and he did not like Naruto!

"Sasuke? Duuuuude, hellooooo!" Naruto's annoying voice broke through Sasuke's emo sulking and he turned, glaring viciously.

"Dammit Naruto I am not gay!" Naruto gave him a quizzical look.

"Dude I didn't say you were. I just wanted to let you know I'm heading off to bed." Sasuke attempted to regain his air of coolness.

"Whatever."

And failed miserably.

"Dude," Naruto said, putting a supportive hand on Sasuke's shoulder, "It's okay to be gay. Hey that rhymes!" And then he went of up the stairs to the boys' dorms, singing his newfound rhyme in an annoyingly loud and off-key voice. Sasuke clenched his teeth and told himself somebody would probably tattle on him if he threw something sharp at another student. Even if said student was his idiot partner.

* * *

After a hard first day of teaching, frightening children, and avoiding Umbridge, Itachi was tired. All he wanted to do was collapse on his big comfy bed and sleep. Unfortunately there was a problem.

"Kisame move."

"Aw, but Itachi-san I've kept my lap all nice and warm for you!"

"…Move or I'll throw you out the window." Kisame snorted amusedly. "_After_ I cut your balls off and shove them down your throat." The shark paled.

"But then we will no longer be able to make sweet love to each other!"

"Sounds like a personal problem."

"Itachi-san!"

"Move!"

Grumbling and pouting like a child Kisame rolled off the bed. "I don't see what's wrong with my lap!" Itachi ignored him. He flopped face down on the bed and simply relished for a moment in the feeling of the soft, thick covers. Who knew being a teacher could be so hard! All those people who thought it was just standing in front of a bunch of snot nosed brats, talking, knew nothing, _nothing_, of how horrible it really was. The only highlight of his day? Teasing Sasuke about his incredibly obvious gay crush on Naruto. God he hated wizards. Bunch of whiny little brats...

"NOOOOOOO SASUKE! DON'T DO IT!"

Itachi nearly jumped out of his skin. He rolled over and sat up, glaring at the armchair by the fireplace where Kisame was seated. The man's knees were draw up to his chin and his eyes were fixed on the pages of his favorite shounen manga: _Naruto_. Itachi crossed his arms, tapping a finger against his bicep as he waited for Kisame to notice the icy glare directed towards him.

"WHY SASUKE, WHY? WHY WOULD YOU GO TO THE DARK SIDE LIKE THAT?"

"Kisame."

"GODDAMN YOU MASASHI KISHIMOTO!"

"Kisame."

"YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!"

"Kisame!"

"WHY WOULD YOU MAKE SASUKE INTO EVEN MORE OF A BASTARD THAN HE ALREADY WAS?"

"For the love of god Kisame!"

"NOW HE'LL NEVER WIN ANOTHER POPULARITY POLL!"

"KISAME SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Silence. And then... "Jeez Itachi-san, you don't have to yell."

Twitch. Itachi took a deep breath and reminded himself of how unhappy Pein had been when Kakuzu had come home sans his partner. He did not want to be the next unfortunate member saddled with a fanatically religious immortal who sacrificed virgins to his god for a hobby.

"Kisame," he began, "I am tired. So I am going to go to bed. And so help me if you dare disturb me I will castrate you and then force you to relive it for seventy-two hours WITH MY MANGEKYOU! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" Kisame nodded fearfully. "Good."

* * *

The next morning found Sasuke and Naruto sitting in their usual places across from the Golden Trio for breakfast in the Great Hall. While Ron and Hermione bickered over House Elves and woolly bladders (or hats...it was rather unclear...) Sasuke sulked. He had not slept well last night. He had tossed and turned in his bed for hours being tormented by nightmares of little weasels with sharingan eyes and Itachi's voice dancing ritualistic circles around him chanting about rainbows and gayness.

Now Sasuke didn't really have a problem with gay people. It was just weird (to him at least) to think of Itachi, emotionless, psychotic bastard that he was, in association with rainbows and all the general stereotypes that surrounded gay people. And as for him? Well, Sasuke had sworn a long time ago that he would revive his clan. Having babies is kind of hard to do without the woman parts. Though Naruto's orioke no jutsu might- No, no, he was _not _gay. He was definitely not gay so there was no need to even _think_ about Naruto as anything other than his partner...his mission partner! Not his life partner! Mission...not life...

* * *

"Today, because I don't feel like sharing gory stories from my distant and mysterious home with you, we shall instead study the mythical creature known as...the Man Shark." Kisame scowled as Itachi removed the genjutsu, putting him on display for the entire class of awed...first years? Second years? He couldn't remember. He should be back in their room, lounging about while reading _Naruto_ and scaring off freaks from his window that reminded him of Orochimaru. He most definitely should not have been being used by his sadistic partner as a lesson for an eager class.

"First, what do you notice about the Man Shark?" Itachi asked the class. A boy covered in freckles shot his hand into the air.

"It's blue!"

Oh, so he was an _it_ now? A glance to the side showed that Itachi was smirking.

"Very good, _it_ (insert evil shift of eyes towards Kisame here) is indeed blue. Anything else?"

"Its eyes are small!"

"It's got gills!"

"It looks funny!"

"It smells funny!"

Itachi wrinkled his nose a little. "Yes, it could do with a bath, couldn't it."

Kisame bared his teeth at the children. A few of the girls screamed and by the smell of it boy-with-freckles had pissed his pants. The ninja smirked, quite satisfied. A moment later Itachi delivered a hard smack to the back of his head.

"Bad Man Shark! Bad! If you continue to terrorize the children I _will_ make good on that promise to emasculate you!"

Kisame paled.

"Professor Uchiha," one of the students piped up, "what does emasculate mean?"

"...Moving on!"

* * *

First class of the day was double Charms, which was started off with a nice long lecture on O.W.L.s (some sort of test, though Naruto wasn't sure what that had to do with nocturnal birds) followed by an hour of review. Naruto had a lot of fun watching Sasuke fail miserably at the summoning charm. He himself wasn't doing so badly. He started to feel a little queasy however when the homework was announced. The shear amount of it coupled with how tedious it sounded reminded him of mission paper work and mission paper work was always a bitch.

Transfiguration was much the same. The only difference was that instead of review McGonagall started them right off on the new stuff. While extremely hard to do, Naruto got the feeling that when he mastered the Vanishing Spell he was going to have a hard time not misusing it. At the end of class homework was assigned, adding to the already abysmally towering pile they'd acquired from Charms. Hermione, being far luckier and smarter than Naruto could ever hope to be, was exempt. So it was with a growing sense of dread (homework was never his forte and they were supposedly getting tons from every teacher) that Naruto followed his partner and the Golden Trio out to Care of Magical Creatures where he immediately took note of a table full of...moving sticks?

"Ne, Teme, are those sticks moving?" Naruto asked. Sasuke barely even glanced at the table before shrugging.

"How should I know?"

"Because you know everything."

Sasuke proceeded to ignore him. Naruto stuck his tongue out at his partner. Stupid Sasuke…

Aside from the fact that Harry looked to be gearing up to punch Malfoy square in the face, the fact that the object of their study was to be a bunch of twigs indicated to Naruto that this was going to be a rather wearisome class. He'd heard that the old teacher was crazy and brought fearsome monsters in for them to fight or something like that. All this lady wanted them to do was draw a picture of something that could potentially gouge your eyes out. Lame.

So, because life apparently had to live up to Naruto's abysmal expectations and be boring, nothing really exciting happened. Until halfway through the lesson when Naruto happened to glance over towards the lake and see Kisame streaking towards the water…HOLY SHIT!

"Sasuke! Kisame's naked!"

At his shout the whole class immediately forgot about their very dangerous wooden stick magical creature things and turned to the lake. There was a simultaneous jaw drop that Naruto was sad he couldn't catch on camera and Sasuke's expression turned a funny mix of utterly horrified, sickeningly shocked, and nauseated. Then, since life had suddenly changed its mind and decided that its sole purpose was entertaining Naruto and scarring the minds of the wizarding children, as Kisame began a spectacular dive into the lake that sent his freely dangling junk flying all over the place Itachi came tearing out of the castle, a katana glinting in the sunlight, and, like his partner, his clothes were mysteriously missing.

"HOW DARE YOU YOU MISERABLY EXCUSE FOR A MAN! YOUR BALLS ARE MINE!" the elder Uchiha screamed, waving the katana around as he ran. Naruto heard a thump and looked beside him so see that Sasuke had passed out cold on ground. Which was understandable. After all, his very naked older brother was waving a sword around while chasing after a very naked Kisame who had just dove into the water and was now running screaming from the Giant Squid. Wow…Naruto was fairly sure he was going to have nightmares tonight.

The Hogwarts students seamed to feel much the same.

"Ron, are they…"

"Naked? Yep."

"And is that…"

"A sword? Uh huh."

"And did Professor Uchiha just say…"

"That he was going to chop that guys balls off? Not in those words, but yes, Hermione. He did."

"…Oh. That's…"

"Strange?"

"Yeah. Are you watching this Harry?"

"…"

Ron and Hermione turned to their friend.

"Harry—"

But Ron never got any farther. For Harry, at the frightening sight of two men running naked through the castle grounds, had proceeded to have some sort of fit that involved foaming at the mouth and was now twitching pathetically on the ground.

Meanwhile, a couple yards over Sasuke was finally coming to.

"Hey there Teme," Naruto said cheerfully. By now Itachi and Kisame had disappeared somewhere into the forest and those around them were beginning to recover as well.

"Naruto did…did my brother just…"

"Yeah, yeah he did. And I got to say, if he wasn't the enemy, I'd so tap that."

Sasuke went from dazed to horrified in two seconds. Naruto blinked. Then while Sasuke began ranting about how Naruto shouldn't be using Itachi and sex in the same sentence the blond happened to look down. Oh. Hello there….

"Sasuke," Naruto said. "Is there a reason little Sasuke is standing at attention?" The Uchiha blanched. How the fuck did he explain this? He was most certainly not going to explain to Naruto that moments before the horrifying sight (possibly more horrifying than his dead parents) that had been Itachi and Kisame he had in fact been involuntarily fantasizing about the dobe. No. That was most definitely out.

"Uh, well…" Naruto listened intently. But Sasuke's vocal chords had decided that now would be a wonderful time to make him temporarily mute. So Naruto decided to use good old shinobi detective skills to root out the answer. He went over the events of the past several minutes, searching for anything that might induce arousal in an anti-social, prudish bastard with a stick up his ass. It did not take long to come to a conclusion.

"Whoa Sasuke!" Naruto yelled. Everyone was now beginning to stare at them. Sasuke's brows furrowed in confusion.

"What the hell is wrong with you Dobe?"

"I knew you guys were into that kind of stuff but your _brother_? Or maybe it was Kisame! I mean his thing was pretty—"

"NARUTO!"

Off to the side Ron and Hermione exchanged traumatized looks.

"I think I need a therapist," the red head whispered. Hermione nodded solemnly.

Professor Grubbly-Plank, as thoroughly scarred as her students, decided that the events of the past several minutes were a very good excuse for releasing class early.

* * *

Wow. This didn't turn out anything like it was expected to... Well, such is life sometimes.

Yes. I mentioned Kisame's man bits. Have fun with your nightmares tonight :)

Review? Pretty please?


	5. Steve the Ninja

A/N: I feel like I should go over this one more time, but I really want to give you guys an update and there should be minimal mistakes. Sp, here you go.

* * *

Orochimaru was starting to have doubts. Actually that was a lie. He'd been having doubts about this meeting since some weird guy in a mask wielding nothing but a stick had appeared in the middle of his hideout and handed him a piece of paper with nothing but a date and a location on it. Seriously, a stick. That was all the guy carried! Sure it was magical, but even a magical stick paled in comparison to his super awesome ninja powers! And the location, don't even get him started on the location! A strange dingy little pub that served oddly named drinks and was situated in the middle of a country that _must_ be made up. Seriously, what the _fuck_ was Switzerland? The only reason he was even here was because the weird guy with the stick had mentioned Itachi, which meant Naruto, which meant Sasuke. _Delicious, sexy new body here I come!_

But he was getting ahead of himself. In order to find Sasuke he had to first meet with whoever had sent the weird guy with the stick. So far the mysterious man had yet to show.

"I apologize for keeping you waiting," a voice rasped. Orochimaru leveled the flat-faced, slit-eyed being taking a seat across from him with a blank stare. Was this guy trying to steal his thunder or something? Seriously, Orochimaru so had dibs on the whole evil snake villain thing first. "Let us get down to business."

Orochimaru listened patiently to the man's proposition. He interrupted only once to ask, "So you want Itachi to join you?" To which he received an affirmative reply. How disappointing. Orochimaru was really looking forward to possibly killing the son of bitch. After all, the brat had cut off his hand. At one point the other snake man handed Orochimaru a map of what he was told was a school and how to get to it. The sannin studied it briefly. Didn't look too hard to find. In fact, he probably didn't need his copy cat's help, but it was always good to have a back up plan. Plus, this Voldemort guy would be a nice way to keep the Akatsuki pair busy while he kidnapped Sasuke and killed Naruto. Yes, this should work out quite nicely.

"So, do we have a deal?" Voldemort asked. Orochimaru took the offered hand and shook it firmly, an evil smirk twisting his features.

"Yes, I believe we do."

* * *

Sasuke was beginning to wonder why he'd decided to come back to Konoha. If he hadn't, if he'd just stayed in Oto and trained with Orochimaru rather than let common sense take over for once in his life, then he would have never been partnered with Naruto in ANBU, which meant he would have never been sent on this ridiculous mission, with meant the entire Herbology debacle would have never happened. Quite honestly Sasuke was surprised he had managed to make it through the rest of the day with his dignity still in tact. Beaten and bloody, yes, but in tact. Between Naruto's constant teasing, eyebrow waggling, and pervy grins and Itachi and Kisame's freakish tendency to randomly pop up around corners (thankfully fully clothed) the young Uchiha was honestly relieved to find that you couldn't actually die of embarrassment. He was sure his relatives would have been ashamed if he'd shown up in the afterlife, not because he died in an attempt to restore their honor via intense ninja battle with Itachi, but because of his idiot friend's stupidly inaccurate conclusion and his brother's sudden urge to run screaming across a school campus in the nude. For the love of God! He was a teenager! Naruto should understand! Sometimes boners happened!

...God he was never going to live this down.

Thankfully that night was Harry's, and therefore Naruto's, first detention. This would leave Sasuke blissfully free of utter humiliation for the next hour or two. So it was with great (but secret) glee that Sasuke saw Naruto off to his first night of detention with Dolores Jane Umbitch...Umbridge. He eyed a group of passing first years, a slightly sadistic glint in his eyes. He really needed a stress reliever...

* * *

Itachi brushed a few strands of loose hair aside, mouth twisting into an irritated scowl. Kisame was doing an absolutely brilliant job of avoiding him. Normally Itachi wouldn't be too bothered by this, but tonight was different. For one, he had yet to successfully demannify his partner. But the main reason for Itachi's annoyance was that shortly after dinner he had noticed the presence of a scouting party lurking in the Forbidden Forest. Tracking down multiple enemy ninja wasn't hard, per say, but Itachi had a lot of shit to do and tracking always went faster with two people. He briefly entertained returning to his room and dragging Kisame out to the forest with him by the ear. However in the next moment that idea was tossed out he window, as one of the enemy ninja had noticed that Itachi had noticed them and had so gone to notify his teammates that they had been noted. But that was okay. Itachi needed to relieve some stress anyway.

Now, Itachi could admit that there was something a little creepy about the forbidden forest. It had unicorns, for crying out loud. No place that fostered unicorns could be considered good (Itachi refused to believe their innocence was nothing more than a ruse to lure in potential human victims). That being said, it still didn't really hold a candle to the sprawling foliage of Fire Country. This could possibly be due to the distinct lack of leaches the size of fat toddlers and tigers the size of small houses. But it did have trees. Granted, they weren't the freakishly gigantic trees that received natural steroids from Fire Country's natural steroid soil, but they were trees, nonetheless. Itachi liked trees. He'd grown up around trees and was therefore very good at using them to his advantage.

He moved swiftly and silently from branch to branch, Sharingan eyes observing the scouting team, which was just beginning to flee. Scenarios played through his mind. Deciding on an appropriate plan of action he reached into his weapons pouch and withdrew a kunai. It flew through the air with frightening precision and embedded itself in the back of an unfortunate ninja's head. Before the remaining scouts had a chance to process how utterly screwed they were Itachi unleashed a fire jutsu. It engulfed two of the ninja, burning them to ash. The remaining two picked up their pace in an attempt to outrun him. Itachi smirked. Not even Might Guy, the self-proclaimed Green Beast of Konoha, could outrun the sexiest and most powerful ninja in the Five Nations. Hell, in _all_ the nations.

Itachi became nothing more than a blur, disappearing from sight. He appeared right behind one of the remaining shinobi. Quickly he tackled him to the ground where he snapped his neck and left him to be devoured by some ungodly creature or another. Like a unicorn. Within seconds he'd caught up to the final shinobi.

"NOOOOO!" the man screamed, putting on one final burst of speed out of pure desperation. Rather than putting forth the energy to catch up to his prey again Itachi withdrew a few shuriken from his holster. Four very sharp and highly dangerous projectiles shot through the air, uncanny in their accuracy. Two embedded themselves in the backs of the unfortunate man's knees. The other two buried themselves in his Achilles. He went down, slamming hard into the forest floor below. Itachi landed beside him with unmatched grace.

"P-please don't kill me!" the shinobi wailed. Itachi merely raised an eyebrow.

"Who sent you?" the Uchiha demanded. The shinobi whimpered, but gave nothing away. Honestly, that was about as much as Itachi had expected. Besides, it was more fun when they tried to be brave. "You leave me no choice then." He hauled the ninja up by the collar of his shirt and forced eye contact. "Tsukuyomi." Immediately the ninja fell limp in Itachi's arms. This was when the Uchiha prodigy thought that _maybe_ he should have waited to use his awesomely powerful genjutsu until he was back in the room, as he was now trying his damn hardest to avoid being crushed by dead weight. Seriously, this guy was fatter than he looked. Itachi blamed Kisame, as he was the one who usually carried the unconscious victims. As he slung the limp body over his shoulder, mentally groaning about his delicate structure and how there was a _reason_ he was a _genjutsu_ specialist, not a _taijutsu_ specialist, Itachi vowed Kisame would pay dearly for this.

_Just you wait, asshole, you are _so _fucking dead._

* * *

_I think Sasuke would like this quill_, Naruto thought as he inspected the evil-looking feather. On the back of his hand the words _I will not pants the teacher_ quickly healed over again. Being emo and prone to masochistic tendencies Sasuke would most definitely like a writing utensil that carved into your skin and produced ink made from your own blood. Not to mention if you were ever in a situation where a jutsu was needed that required the use of human blood, rather than having to slice your arm open and risk bleeding to death for the sake of painting a few scribbles, you could simply whip out the Quill of Doom. Simple and effective. And of course, the fact that it was a feather meant it could be used for tickle torture. Sasuke could use some tickle torture.

As he continued to write lines Naruto speculated on the happenings of that day. Honestly, if Naruto had known Itachi was so hot under that cloak he probably would have let Akatsuki capture him. Just for a little while. Heck, he could still do that. But, Sasuke would undoubtedly be upset if Naruto were to be captured. Sasuke didn't realize it, but Naruto was well aware that his best friend had the biggest crush on him. Naruto liked Sasuke a lot too, but being a prankster by nature it was a lot more fun to play dumb, watch the Uchiha squirm and make awkward incestuous jokes when Sasuke's hormones chose a terrible time to remind them all that yes, they _do_ exist. Naruto stopped writing and smothered a laugh as he recalled the look on Sasuke's face earlier.

"Mr. Uzumaki!" Umbridge's shrill girly voice pierced his eardrums. "You. Are. Not. _Working!_" Naruto rolled his eyes and returned to writing. A quick glance at Harry showed the other boy's face scrunching up in a pained grimace as words appeared on the back of his hand once more. Naruto practically couldn't even feel it. Yet another reason why being the Kyuubi's host was awesome. Harry would probably leave tonight with an ugly scar while Naruto's skin would be smooth as a baby's. Being a wizard sucked.

* * *

When Itachi suddenly appeared via super awesome ninja powers Kisame did_ not_ scream like a little girl. He _didn't_. And he had most certainly _not_ made a rather pathetic attempt to escape, just in case his partner was still in the mood to chop that which was most precious to the shark-man into itty-bitty pieces and feed it to that giant ass squid in the lake. Nope. Kisame did _none_ of those things and anyone who says otherwise is a _damn liar_!

"Kisame cease this foolish behavior, we have more imperative concerns than your balls," Itachi said. Kisame stopped scrabbling pitifully at the stonewall and finally took note of the unconscious ninja slung over the Uchiha's shoulder.

"Who's that?" Kisame asked.

"That is what we must figure out."

"Oh."

Then, much to Kisame's horror, Itachi flung the bound and injured enemy ninja down on the bed.

"Nooooo!" the shark-man wailed. "Why our love nest!" Itachi leveled him with a flat look until Kisame wisely chose to fall silent and keep his complaints to himself. Then they both turned their attention to their prisoner. He didn't look like much. Just your average garden-variety minion used for menial purposes or spying on an enemy you didn't feel like spying on yourself. Kisame was about to ask what his partner had in store for the unfortunate man when the ninja twitched violently and whimpered something about cannibal donuts. Kisame raised an eyebrow at his partner, receiving a shrug from the shorter shinobi.

"I do not control that which a person fears most," the Uchiha said carelessly. Kisame decided he didn't care.

After a few more minutes of watching the twitching and whimpering Itachi decided the prisoner had had enough time to wallow in his warped nightmares. Not to mention he was getting quite bored. It was about time to wake the poor sap up. "Kisame, slap him," Itachi demanded. After eight years of partnership Kisame had learned not to question even the strangest of Itachi's orders. He walked up to the unconscious ninja, raised one giant blue hand, and bitch slapped him hard across the face. The ninja woke up screaming. "Very good Kisame. Perhaps I will reconsider mutilating your balls later."

A hopeful look. "Really?"

"No."

Kisame's face fell. "Is it really worth giving up sex for the rest of your life all because I _accidentally_ woke you up from a nap? I already told you I tripped!"

"That does absolutely nothing to explain why we were both naked and you had a boner. And you assume you are the only person I sleep with."

A minute of shocked silence in which Kisame stared. "You cheat on me?"

"No," Itachi replied, accompanied with a perfectly executed eye roll. Under his breath he muttered, "Not that I haven't considered it..."

"What was that?"

"Kisame, why is this man not screaming in agony from torture?"

"Damn it! Don't change the subject–"

"Kisame! Torture, now!"

* * *

Naruto entered the common room like an overexcited puppy that got into his master's supply of illegal drugs. He spotted Sasuke and bounded over to the Uchiha's claimed corner of Emoness and Despair. Harry sulked off towards Hermione and Ron, no doubt to whine about the evilness of lines and do angsty wizard things.

"How was detention?" Sasuke asked.

"It was awesome!" the blond exclaimed. "Well, at first it was kind of creepy, 'cause frog lady's office was all dark and stuff and she had all these cats all over the place–not real ones, but they moved and shit–and there was tons of lace–" Here Sasuke cringed in disgust. "–and I thought it was going to be really boring 'cause all she wanted us to do was lines, you know? I was all, "Iruka's detentions are waaaaaay more interesting" but lines turned out to be really cool 'cause we got to use these quills that carve words into your skin and use your own blood as ink! You would have really liked it Sasuke! Oh, and Harry can't go to his broomstick tryout thingy."

_Hm, perhaps these mysterious quills warrant investigation. After all, they could endanger the students. Which would be bad. …Maybe I should get one for Itachi. Nah, he'd like it._ "That's nice Naruto. Now do your homework."

"But Sasuke!" Naruto whined. "Homework suuuuuuucks!" Besides, he'd just spent the last hour doing lines! He didn't want to do more boring stuff; he wanted to do something fun!

"One of the requirements for our mission is blending in," Sasuke said, putting the finishing touches on a completely made up dream involving blood, death, and Itachi for his dream diary. No way in hell was he telling that bug-eyed psychotic weirdo about the rainbows and gay weasels. And no, he absolutely _was not_ in denial! "That means doing homework."

Naruto cast about for an excuse. "But I'm tired!"

"That's what soldier pills are for."

Grumbling, Naruto pulled out a roll of parchment and a normal (boring) quill and started in on some of his homework. Stupid slave driver Sasuke. _I will get him back, somehow_.

* * *

This torture session was extremely lame. Barely five minutes of Kisame waving Samehada around threatening to cut off limbs and their prisoner was babbling his secrets through terrified sobs and pleas to spare his life. It was useful, as they now knew Orochimaru was lurking about, waiting for the perfect moment to foil their plans and defile Sasuke. Still, Itachi couldn't help but be highly disappointed. Not only was he deprived of a much-needed nap that morning, but now he couldn't even relieve his stress on the screams of agony. Kisame didn't even cut of a measly finger!

...He should probably consider taking a vacation soon. A long one. After all, being a psychotic criminal was only supposed to be a cover. Though, maybe being a legit psycho wouldn't be so bad. They certainly lived interesting lives. Not to mention, he probably would spent a lot less time (none) plagued by the guilt of murdering his parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, grandparents, great aunts, cousins twelve times removed, second cousins eight times removed, etc. Then again, being a legit psycho might lead him to examine the exact rational behind allowing Sasuke to live, leading him to deem it a stupid decision on his part, and resulting in the destruction of eight years of hard work through killing Sasuke. Yeah, when this was over he was definitely going on a nice long vacation.

"So what do we do with him now?" Kisame asked. He nudged the quivering mass of sniveling shinobi with Samehada a few times.

"Hm..." Itachi considered for a moment. "Leave him in the forest. Maybe the centaurs will take him captive or a unicorn will eat him."

"First off, Itachi-san, unicorns are pure innocent creatures. They don't eat people!" Itachi scoffed. "Second, I think he's kind of cute." Itachi had a feeling he knew where this was going. "Can we keep him Itachi-san? Just while we're here?"

He should say no. He really should. Itachi stared at the quaking ninja. "Whatever," he mumbled, then turned away to go take a shower.

"Yay!" Kisame cheered. He crouched down in front of the captive turned pet. "I'll call you...Steve!" Itachi heaved an irritated sigh.

"You need to stop spending so much time on the Internet, it rots your brain," the Uchiha muttered, closing the bathroom door behind him. Kisame grinned down at Steve, revealing his sharp pointy teeth. Steve whimpered.

* * *

The next morning Harry skipped first period in a frantic bid to finish at least some of his homework on time. The young wizard was annoyed to note that despite having been in detention with him Naruto had somehow managed to finish all his homework the previous night. The damn blond not only got to have a nice relaxing breakfast, but also didn't have to worry about what he would miss first period. At least Ron was there to keep him company. Although what had kept the redhead from doing his homework the previous night was a mystery to Harry.

"How come you didn't do it all last night?" the boy who lived enquired. There was a mess of ensuing mumbling from which Harry managed to get "doing other stuff" and nothing more. He decided he didn't have time to worry.

With dreams scribbled haphazardly in their diaries the boys rushed off to North Tower. Following along behind them, unbeknownst to the boys, was an irritated Sasuke clone, secretly proud that his presence was necessary precisely because he'd gotten Naruto to do all of his homework the previous night.

During the mad dash there was a bit of discussion about detention with Umbridge. Harry decided against revealing that he had been forced to write in his own blood using some type of strange demonic quill, diverting all uncomfortable questions with, "Lines."

It was no surprise to Harry when the rest of his day only went downhill from there. Having not done anything but what little he could accomplish during first period that day (almost nothing) classes were awful. Adding to the suckiness of the entire situation was that even more homework was assigned, homework that wasn't going to get done due to round two with Umbridge's quill of doom. To top it all off, Angelina ambushed him at dinner, to the sniggers of Naruto, angry that he wasn't going to be at tryouts on Friday.

Yeah, this was definitely not his day.

* * *

"So," Kisame began slowly, "what are we going to do about Orochimaru?" From his place behind his desk where he was absentmindedly grading papers Itachi shrugged. Abilene. What kind of name was that? It sounded stupid. Just for that, an F. No, he would be nice. D. "Should I take your silence to mean nothing?"

"Yet," Itachi muttered. He penned in an A at the top of a paper labeled "Why Professor Uchiha Would Beat Professor Snape in a Fight" and called out in a louder voice, "Steve, I hunger. Fetch me nourishment." Steve fled from the room in the blink of an eye, eager to get away from his captors, if only for a little bit. He had no idea where the kitchens were, but he didn't care. He'd figure it out.

"Whatever," Kisame muttered, turning back to his previous activity: sewing up the hole in his Akatsuki cloak. Itachi couldn't sew worth shit. The last time the prodigy had tried to mend anything Kisame had gotten it back with more rips than before and Itachi had been forced to take a week off to give his hands time to heal. Thankfully, Kisame had found he was quite adept in this particular area.

Itachi put an F at the top of a paper entitled "Why Professor Uchiha is a Psycho" before falling into thoughts of Orochimaru. Undoubtedly he was there for Sasuke's body. Nevertheless he would prove troublesome. Ever since Itachi had cut off his hand and made an utter fool out of him Orochimaru had held a grudge. Because Itachi was a part of Akatsuki the grudge extended to the organization. This had led Orochimaru, on various occasions, to attempting to foil Akatsuki's plans. Yeah, sure Itachi was trying to do the same thing, but he was pretty sure Orochimaru's plans involved Naruto's untimely death and seeing as how the blond was the savior of the ninja world Itachi couldn't let that happen. That left only one option.

Orochimaru would have to be eliminated.

* * *

Orochimaru was irritated. He sent five marginally competent ninja on a simple scouting mission to investigate the terrain of Hogwarts and take covert picture of Sasuke in the shower. None of them returned. He had no doubt Itachi and Kisame had captured at least one of the fools and that the rest were lying dead somewhere. Not good, not good at all. Now the Akatsuki duo was undoubtedly alerted to his presence in the area. No matter. He would simply have to be more cautious in order to avoid losing another hand to Itachi. Easy. Kind of. Not really. Shit.

How the hell was he supposed to get his hands on Sasuke now?

* * *

A/N: I apologize. Another year gone by and no updates. I blame senior year. It was crazy. And then there was the six months or so where I lost the will to write. I don't mean I had writer's block, where you sit down to write and just can't think of anything. I mean I actually had no motivation to write _anything_. It was only about June or so that I got it back and then a realized something amazing. I actually give a crap about this story! It started out as something to just pass the time, but when I finished the first draft of chapter 5 I realized I hated it and that I actually wanted to put as much effort into it as I do with everything else I write. This means I'm also gonna go back and rewrite chapters 1-4 at some point. I mean, it's been two years since I first started writing it.


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